


Breathe

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, Trans David, Trans Male Character, some relief? some., we're working on it.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 06:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18566245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: Matteo hovered over the “submit” button, there was a moment where he thought that he shouldn’t post it, he didn’t need to share it with everyone in the school. It didn’t matter that he was collapsing like this, no one else needed to know that one of their classmates was gay, it wasn’t important. There were gay people everywhere, even in their school. It wasn’t a big revolutionary thing to share.





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> an AU based fully around the line "You get to exhale now" from Love, Simon. druck gays only discord popped the idea of a Love, Simon AU into my head and i'm going to do my best to stay committed to it.

_I feel like I’m underwater. I can’t breathe, I’m holding my breath and my lungs are slowly collapsing. I’ll sink and drown any day now. I’m not being honest that I need to breathe, I need to go up for air but I can’t let myself do it. No one owes any of themself to anyone else but I don’t feel like I’m letting myself be who I could be. I wish I could be honest with people about myself but it’s hard, y’know? Being vulnerable. Being honest. Being_ open. _I wish I could tell my friends that I’m gay. I want to be able to breathe again. I don’t want to drown._

_\- cheese toasted_

Matteo hovered over the “submit” button, there was a moment where he thought that he shouldn’t post it, he didn’t need to share it with everyone in the school. It didn’t matter that he was collapsing like this, no one else needed to know that one of their classmates was gay, it wasn’t important. There were gay people everywhere, even in their school. It wasn’t a big revolutionary thing to share.

But before Matteo even realized he had done it, the post had been submitted, the page now read “pending admin approval”. He felt his chest tighten, his face grow warm. He pulled his blanket over his head, maybe it wouldn’t get approved, it wasn’t that big of a deal anyway. No one would care that there was a closeted gay kid, there were more important things to worry about like the Abi prank committee, the Abi exams period, graduating… This would just be a small drop in the ocean. Nothing but a ripple.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and Matteo couldn’t help the groan that left him.

**Jonas**

_Luigi!! I’m outside let’s go!!!_

**Matteo**

_I’m not feeling well :(_

  **Jonas**

_I have breakfast, you can’t skip out on me now_

**Matteo**

_Fine. Give me a few minutes_

It took Matteo more than a few minutes, but eventually he made it outside in all his grandpa sweater, depression filled glory. Every day had the same grind, get up, go to school, pretend to listen to the boys, ignore the teachers glares. Most days were difficult, but that had become a baseline he was used too. Life followed the same highs and lows week to week, the only thing that would change is how numb Matteo felt to everything. He would get excited when something hurt, or if he actually felt the dizziness from being crossed. If Matteo could feel, he knew everything was a little bit better. School breezed by, he wasn’t even sure he was there with his friends, he felt like he was watching them in a movie. He was just an audience member of a coming of age movie.

That’s why when he received a text from Hanna, seeing the preview on his phone screen, he felt his heart start to race. He didn’t want to know what she was talking about but deep down, he did know. It was his post on the blog. Matteo could have sworn his heart stopped for just a second when he finally opened the message.

**Hanna**

_have you seen the post on the blog?_

**Matteo**

_what post?_

**Hanna**  
_About the closeted guy at school_

_Who do you think it is?_

Matteo panicked.

Could Hanna have figured out it was him already? There was no way that anyone could have figured out _that_. He barely had the courage to type the words out and post it, and she had already clocked him?

**Matteo**

_Yeah, i saw it. Didnt think much of it though lol_

That should throw her off, right?

How could Hanna have already figured out he was-- He couldn’t even think the word, how could she have figured it out? 

**Hanna**

_I guess, I think it might be that kid that’s always wearing those turtlenecks._

_I heard him mention he was into Les Mis_

Relief crashed over Matteo’s body, a heavy tidal wave that made his muscles turn to jelly and his body feel weightless like when he was high. It took a few minutes for him to actually grab his laptop. His hands were shaking, the silence in his room seemed to be closing around him. He didn’t need to see his own post obviously, but Matteo wanted to see if there had been any response to it.

Curiosity got the better of him though, opening the laptop. Before he could refresh the blog page there was a _ping!_ from another tab and Matteo swore he could feel his heart stop once again. The notification sound had come from the gmail tab he had open. He created an entirely new email so that this wouldn’t get traced back to him. Hesitantly, he hovered the clicker over the tab. It was probably just one of those “here’s how to use your account” emails, nothing important. 

He clicked.

In his box there was two emails, he was half-right. One was a guide to gmail, the other though, he wasn’t expecting at all.

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** March 24 at 20:43

 **SUBJECT:** The Waves

 

_Hey.._

_I saw your post on the school gossip blog and I couldn’t help but feel drawn to it._

_I get what you mean, feeling like you’re drowning, lungs collapsing with the words you want to say but can’t seem to find, wanting to breath because you’re not honest with the people you’re close with. I want to be able to tell all my friends the truth about who I am, but I’m scared they’re going to push me away. I had a terrible time the first time I came out so I’ve decided to just, stop. It doesn’t seem worth it right now anyway, y’know? We’re in high school after all._  

_That doesn’t take away from it though, the wanting to be honest I mean. It’s like water fills my lungs every time I try to say it to anyone, I’ve tried so many times and every time I end up choking. It stings._

_Thanks for being honest like that, even if your name wasn’t attached it was really brave of you. It’s so difficult to be young and trying to figure yourself out, sharing anything is an act of courage._

_You don’t have to respond, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. And you don’t have to do anything about it. Just… Try to breathe despite the water._

_\- Adam_  

_P.S. Cheese toasted?_

 

Matteo let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in once he finished reading the email. This was someone confessing something about themself, to _him_. To the boy no one knew was in their year, to the boy everyone just assumed was Jonas’ double. This other boy, who felt the same way he did, had sought Matteo out because of his post. He let his head fall back and he stared up at his ceiling. His thoughts started racing once the relief had passed. He couldn’t believe that someone else understood.

 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** March 24 at 21:04

 **SUBJECT:** RE: The Waves

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I’m actually really like… Relieved, I think? I think that’s the thing I’m feeling. I mean thank you for emailing. I didn’t really expect much other than friends being excited by the post, wondering and all that, y’know? But I wanted to respond just to let you know that I appreciated it._

_It’s hard, wanting to be so open, it feels like cutting open yourself and being like “this is me, pay attention please, I just want you to know me” and that’s so, so scary. I’m sorry it didn’t go well for you the first time you came out, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. You’re safe with me though, if you want to keep talking. I think it’d help to have someone to just… Be honest with. Make everything feel less lonely._

_Maybe make the whole ‘drowning’ feeling go away._

_Sorry I’m not as uh, good sounding as my initial post. It took me three hours to write that post._

_-Luigi_

_P.S. I'm a stoner and I really like grilled cheese :) maybe in eternity?_

 

He breathed in deeply through his mouth and let it out through his nose, it felt good, it didn’t feel like he was forcing it down. Maybe, just maybe, Matteo could breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written and posted a fic in such a long time that i had to create a new ao3 account because i couldn't remember any details about the last one. please be kind and gentle, but crit is also extremely good !! i'm excited to see where this goes


End file.
